Attack of the Giraffes
by Kaikura Tenshi
Summary: what happens when Bill Clinton adn Johnny Brav are in France, at Flunch making an aeronautic giraffe out of paperclips and gum with a 'god for the day warrant' at 9:28 am Paris time? read to find out. filled with inside jokes don't be surprized if you do


Disclaimer: First off I would like to give credit to Neko-chan, Vivian, Kate, and Irina for helping make up the basic plot, and especially Neko for helping with some of the details. Now I must state that I do not own Johnny Bravo-Cartoon Network does-nor Bill Clinton-he owns himself, THANK GOD!-nor do I own Flunch-a small buffet-style restaurant in downtown Paris that wasn't that great, glad I don't own it. I don't own beanbag chairs either, though I like mine quite a lot. Bitte Enjoy!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
One startlingly warm Parisian morning, Johnny Bravo was walking through a park "picking up 'chicks'" when who did he run into doing the same but Bill Clinton. Not realizing who it was, Johnny threatened Clinton saying, "Hey mister, this is my chick lookout place, go find somewhere else!"  
  
Bill, thoroughly amused, said, "I already told you, I did not have sexual relations with any of these women!" After a short pause he pointed to particularly ugly one under a beret and said, "Except for her. . . but only once!"  
  
"Are you sure about that mister fancy pants?"  
  
"Pretty damn positive," he replied in a raspy voice before biting his bottom lip and giving Johnny a 'thumbs-up' sign. (At this point I would also like to remind you of the wisdom I learned from the movie "Fern Gully" when I was little, that "only fools are positive." I don't own that movie either.)  
  
"Well then," Johnny replied suspiciously, "what's a guy in a business suit doing in Paris picking up chicks?"  
  
Bill harshly dropped his arm around Johnny's shoulder and laughed a bit haughtily before wrapping his arm tightly around Johnny's neck and leaning in close to his ear saying quietly, "That's classified information." Bill hesitated a moment before releasing Johnny's head.  
  
"Okay, cool!" He was then distracted as one of the prettier French women walked right past the two of them. "Hey there pretty lady! Do you wanna. . . "?  
  
As Johnny was pummeled into the ground by the blow of an angry French woman, Bill snickered. "You're funny. . . .I like you. Hey, you hungry?"  
  
"Sure I, I guess."  
  
"I'll take you out to lunch, my treat." Johnny didn't notice the large black helicopter that swooped into the nearby woods to pick them up. Nor did he notice the landing in the parking lot of a 'lovely' (insert sarcasm here-) looking place called Flunch.  
  
As they walked out in front of it, they were bombarded by waves of street peddlers selling them books containing 18 postcards for only 2 Euros [Euro Dollars] each. They finally made their way into Flunch scared, alarmed, and with 108 more post cards and 12 less Euros than anticipated.  
  
And as they walked in, they were greeted by the commotion of approximately 45 people wearing red, white, and blue neck key rings, and nametags. They were all muttering amongst themselves about how to get plates upon which to put either spaghetti, French fries, or both. Bill grabbed a tray, loaded it up with fries, and said, "Come with me," to Johnny.  
  
They walked into a secret room in the back of the restaurant filled with millions of paper clips, endless stacks of gum, and one large picture of a giraffe hanging on the wall. Johnny yelled, "Hey, cool!!! Paper clips!!" and shoved a large pile of them into what resembled a beanbag chair.  
  
Johnny and Bill sat there in silence for a few minutes, Bill was inspecting Johnny closely, and Johnny was oggleing at the massive amounts of paper clips dispersed about the room. "Where did you find all of these?" Johnny asked as he stared around with a delighted look in his eye.  
  
"Oh, you know, here, there, everywhere.you can't have too many paper clips, especially not these days what with all the. . ."Bill stopped mid-sentence as he heard some sounds through the heat vents. They were the voices of several American teenage girls complaining about the bathrooms-size, smell, the whole works. Realizing what was happening, Bill sat up intently and said, "Please, stay here, eat some fries, make yourself comfortable, but don't open this door, I'll be right back."  
  
"Okay man," Johnny called as he happily dug into the fries. He was not at all aware of the sounds of the door being padlocked shut, nor the sounds of his friend Bill muttering with a random guy in the men's bathroom, nor repeated use of the word "ka-boom" and the sounds of evil snickering that came drifting through the heat vents. . .  
  
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[Much later]  
  
Johnny groaned loudly, "Awe, come on Bill, no more, my jaw hurts so much!!" He then spat the gum in his mouth into a small bucket, along with other 2 pounds of gum he'd been chewing all night long.  
  
"Now Johnny, you've got a long day ahead of you, and come to think of it, most of it involves chewing. . .come on Johnny, you can do it. . .you should be proud of your chewing abilities, and willing to share them for the good of your countr-me," Bill said at the end, as though afraid to say too much. And as an after thought he added, "Now that I think about it, you should probably keep at least a whole pack in that big old mouth of yours at a time to make things speed up a bit."  
  
"Yeah, but according to that big clock over there that says 'Chicago time' it's 2:28 in the morning!!! I'm about ready to die here!!"  
  
"Don't worry Johnny, it's only 9:28 am here!!!"  
  
As Johnny let loose a loud "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Bill quickly lodged a large paper clip in Johnny's mouth just perfectly so that he couldn't talk.  
  
"No screaming Johnny," Bill said in much the same voice that a day-care manager uses to talk to children who have been fighting over pencils, or something really stupid, "after all, we wouldn't want Hairy Carrie to hear us, now would we??"  
  
"Harry Carrey!?!?!? Where???" Johnny managed as Bill removed the paper clip.  
  
"No Johnny, I think you were imagining things, I never said Harry Carrey. . ." Bill replied, much in the same way a shrink scolds her patient for having an imagination (- heaven forbid!!!! * cough*sarcasm*cough* if you couldn't tell, that last comment is bleeding sarcasm.)  
  
"Oh, I don't get it. . ."  
  
"It's probably just the lack of sleep, now chew, Johnny!! Chew as if it's your first pack of gum-like substitute!!!"  
  
As Johnny dug in, Bill went back to using the pre-chewed gum to stick paper clips together into what resembled a pair of legs. . .and not a human's either. . .  
  
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[Approximately 8:47 am Paris time the next morning, and 1:47 am Chicago time, the same small room where we left our 'heroes']  
  
Johnny lie, nearly asleep, in what resembled a drug-induced-happy-bubble (- I own that one!!!) on the floor, drool hanging from his open mouth, jaws nearly dislodged, and starving-after all, all he'd eaten since he'd been in Paris was those French fries yesterday, and nearly a ton of gum. Bill was on a ladder 12 feet in the air adding the last few paper clips to what looked like-and in fact was-an aeronautic giraffe.  
  
"Thank God for my 'god for the day' warrant, "Bill muttered to himself as he "glued" the last paper clip in place.  
  
"It is completed!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" He laughed insanely for several minutes before coming back to earth. Then he stopped and looked shiftily around the room. Realizing Johnny's sad state, he knocked him into an unconscious sleep by merely hurling a gum wrapper at his head.  
  
Then Bill took out a small, black cell phone and dialed a number.  
  
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[On a bus somewhere on a highway in France]  
  
After a few rings of her cell phone, a nice Austrian woman with an almost stereotypical French sounding accent answered her phone with an exhausted, "Hello?"  
  
"Hi, is Matt there?" Bill asked disguising his voice to an even more stereotypical French accent, much the same as is used in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
"Umm, okay, just a minute." The confused tone of voice the Austrian woman used stayed with her as she turned and looked down the aisle of the large bus for Matt. At the sight of him, she said, "Hey, Matt, someone is calling for you on my phone."  
  
"Oh. . .how. . .odd. . ." he said trying no to sound to weird or suspicious before grabbling the phone, and quickly walking to the center of the bus, and hiding in a hÖrrible smelling bathroom. He put the phone to his ear and said in a near whisper, "Agent Dee-Double-Oh-Doo. . .So, is it finished?" in the same voice heard in the restaurant just earlier.  
  
"Yup," again he bit his lip and gave the wall that he was facing a 'thumbs up' sign.  
  
"Great. Okay in 15 minutes we will be getting into a rest stop, at which point Hairy Carrie will be asked to go check for missing kids, so prepare for launch!!!"  
  
"Bee-Em-Double-You over and out!"  
  
"Roger that!" And on that note, the phone conversation was terminated.  
  
Matt walked out of the bathroom, only to be greeted by the eyes of approximately 45 adolescents between the ages of 15 and 20 all staring at the bathroom door in awe.  
  
"What?!?" Matt asked in a shocked tone of voice, "What did I do?"  
  
The Austrian woman had an odd, scared look on her face as Matt placed the phone back in her hand. No one asked any questions, they just sat and stared, all with different levels of shock and puzzled amazement on their faces. Some of them figured that if they had to ask, then they almost certainly didn't want to know, most of them decided to smile and nod, turning slowly in the other direction, , the Austrian woman decided maybe she should sanitize her phone before using it again, and the bus driver decided that maybe he should start driving on the road again instead of on the grass next to the highway as he was at the moment. . . . . .  
  
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[Meanwhile in a completely different place, 15 minutes later]  
  
The giraffe was launched into the sky at the touch of a small red button on a control panel approximately the size and shape of a plate full of chicken and French fries. As it soared off, all the pigeons that saw it were almost magnetically attracted too it and formed a large, sky darkening mob as they followed it and went before it as it flew of it's own will.  
  
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[Approximately 5 minutes later, at a rest stop somewhere between the French and German border line with a rest room consisting of large holes in the ground, or so I am told.]  
  
Approximately 45 children had just gotten onto a rather large penguin- sponsored bus as some of them grumbled about the long bus ride, while limited others rejoiced about the beautiful view they had been having. A familiar sounding Austrian woman turned to a small group of approximately 4 teacher/leaders and asked in a nice, questioning tone, "Are we complete?"  
  
Matt turned to one particularly grumpy, brown haired shrink/leader and said, "Hey Carrie, why don't you go check one last time for stragglers, and we'll start to count off."  
  
"Sure Matt, I'll be right back," she replied.  
  
About 30 seconds after she entered the rest stop, the counting, which had gone awry at about the number 20, and was now only on 25, stopped as a startlingly disconcerting number of winged rats and pigeons flooded the sky casting and eerie shadow. Then a near life sized giraffe loomed into sight briefly before it flew into the rest room and exploded.  
  
At first all approximately 45 of them screamed as the swage-y mess went everywhere and even killed a few pigeons. Approximately one blonde haired girl shuddered and said, "Oh. . .that was NOT a happy sound!!" But then, on a closer inspection, they all broke out into laughter and clapped. . .oh, hell, it was clap-ter (a hybrid of clapping and laughter which is different than just clapping and laughing, Molly owns that one).  
  
As the tourists. . .I mean ambassadors. . .inspected the hole from the front window, Matt sat in the back of the bus rubbing his hands together and slowly saying, "EEEXXXEEELLLLLLEEEENNNTTT!!!"  
  
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[Approximately two weeks later in a limo outside of Newark International Airport]  
  
Matt, Bill, and Johnny (who was in a large dog cage which he'd been in since he entered the gum-induced-happy-state) stepped into a limo containing the chief of the CIA, who turned to them and said, "Dee-Double- Oh-Doo, Bee-Em-Double-You, Johnny, congratulations, you've just eliminated America's #1 un-official threat."  
  
As Bill took a seat he opened the cage, took Johnny out and placed him in the seat next to himself, though Johnny was still completely limp with sleep. He then said, in his normal voice, "Thank you sir! It was an honor to blow up a French bathroom for you."  
  
"I had fun blowing up a colleague for once. . .wah-hoo!!" Matt muttered, more to himself than to anyone else.  
  
At this point, Johnny awoke for the first time since he had passed out in Flunch. "Oh man, I had the weirdest dreammm. . . . . . . . . .AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
His girl-ish squirm into Bill's lap as he draped his arms around Bill's neck was greeted with shock by the CIA executive who had just put a piece of gum into his mouth. . . . . .  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hope you liked I even if you didn't understand it, sorry that I filled it with inside jokes and whatnot, but hat's how it got started. . .so now whether you liked it or not, I will say PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW ME!!!!!  
  
Danke!  
  
~Kai =^_^= 


End file.
